Tiffany’s Bio:

Tiffany Carboni lives in the San Francisco Bay Area where she and her husband are raising their two loud daughters, ages 5 and 7. Since 1998, she has been working as a magazine journalist and humor writer. Prior to that, she graduated from the University of California, Irvine with a degree in film studies from the school of humanities, and a minor in drama.

Her serious journalistic work has repeatedly appeared in such publications as Bay Area Parent, B.A.B.Y., Family Navigator, Teen Focus for Parents, Parents’ Press, GreenMoms.com, AmericanStyle Magazine, NICHE Magazine, California Home & Design, Gentry Magazine, SPACES, Bespoke Magazine, Silicon Valley Home, Alameda Magazine, and Oakland Magazine. Before becoming a mother, she was the senior editor of California Home & Design and Gentry Magazine.

As a humorist, her work has appeared on Pampers.com, FamiliesOnlineMagazine.com, SkimbacoLifestyle.com, LilSugar.com, MegsaMommy.com, BabyElanDaily.com, and in M Magazine: The Woman in Every Mom. When she is not writing about the mirthfulness of family life for her book of essays she is seeking to publish called MOTHER TONGUE & Other Sharp Object, Tiffany is helping out in her children’s classrooms seeking more material—and hiding out from the PTA, which knows her to be a school volunteer patsy. Visit her website at www.tiffanycarboni.com.

Pigeon Poo-etry

By Tiffany Carboni

 

My name is Fran and I’ve been living in this park for the last three years. I may only stand six inches tall, but I’ve got a big beef with you parents. Frankly, we pigeons are sick of you letting your insolent little kids taunt and chase after us as if we’re a bunch of dumb birds.

I’ll wager a week’s worth of whole grain cracker crumbs that you didn’t know we pigeons are one of the most intelligent of all bird species. In fact, we are only one of six species (and the only non-mammal species) that can recognize our individual selves in a mirror. For the record, it takes human babies a few months to achieve that feat.

Furthermore, we pigeons have the ability to travel hundreds of miles away from our roosts and easily find our way back using roads, freeways, landmarks, the position of the sun, the earth’s magnetic field, and low frequency seismic waves. While I’m trying desperately not to judge humankind too harshly, I’m betting you needed an electronic navigation system to find this park.

Moreover, we pigeons, and our close relative the dove, date back to 3000 B.C. where we were discovered in Mesopotamia. How far back can you trace your family tree?

In the beginning, we pigeons were revered and became a symbol of gods and goddesses. Doves were officially referred to as such in the Old Testament in the Bible, while we pigeons had to wait a little longer for our official shout-out in the New Testament during the baptism of Christ. Funny, I don’t recall your Starbucks-sipping, SUV-driving kind referred to in either testament.

In more recent history—namely the 16th century, pigeon feces was a highly prized fertilizer that was far more valuable than pig or chicken manure. Specifically, my ancestors’ waste matter was the only known source of saltpeter, an essential ingredient of gunpowder. Think about that fact the next time your kid drops a revolting load in the toilet that you can’t flush away fast enough.

Another big reason you should be nice to us pigeons is because we saved your behinds during World War I. In fact, we literally saved hundreds of thousands of your ascendants’ lives by carrying messages across violent enemy lines so your forefathers (and the genes that would later be passed down to become your children) didn’t have to stand in harm’s way. You’re welcome.

In some religions, doves and pigeons symbolize peace and the Holy Spirit. In others, it is believed that when a person dies, his or her soul assumes the form of a pigeon. By feeding pigeons, a person is believed to be caring for the souls of their departed ancestors. On that basis alone, I suggest you bring us better quality food. Dear old gramps over there got sick on the last batch of bread you brought us. It was moldy and it nearly killed him...again.

I know you—yes, I honestly do recognize you each and every time you bring your kids here, it’s part of our intelligence factor that up until this moment you and you’re your baseless superiority complex would have considered laughable. I know you think that just because we look stupid bobbing our heads, we must be a bunch of foolish birds. Well, you simplistic boob, let me explain what that head-bobbing is all about. You see, our eyes are mounted on the sides of our heads, thus providing us with monocular vision. While this provides excellent detection of surrounding prey, we lack depth perception. By bobbing our heads, however, we can achieve the depth perception your species takes for granted—look out for that bicycler coming at you from just beyond your peripheral vision, ha!

So seriously folks, the next time you think it’s good fun to let your kids feed us crumbs and coax us into trusting your kind, only to chase us in return—I urge you to stop and think. History has shown that we are the species closest to God. So if you let your kids get out of hand, we can unload our highly valued saltpeter poop on you.

Think of it as a gift from God Himself.

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