Does Not Suit Our Needs
By Jenna Glatzer
Dear Ms. Greenburg:
Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, it does not suit our needs at this time.
Sincerely,
Aurora Jackson
Senior Editor
Joys of Parenting
Dear Ms. Jackson:
Thanks for your note. What time might be better for you? Should I try again tomorrow at noon ?
Regards,
Teresa
Dear Ms. Greenburg:
Thank you for your letter. To clarify, this submission is not appropriate for our magazine's current format.
Sincerely,
Aurora Jackson
Dear Ms. Jackson:
Thanks for your note. Can you let me know when the current format is going to change? I mean, maybe it'll change tomorrow at noon , right? So if I resubmit it then, it might suit your needs at that time.
Regards,
Teresa
Dear Ms. Greenburg,
Thank you for your letter. Our format is not expected to change anytime soon.
Sincerely,
Aurora Jackson
Dear Aurora (may I call you Aurora ?),
Soon is such a relative term. How about next week?
Regards,
Teresa (you can call me Teresa)
Dear Ms. Greenburg,
You submitted a query about pig mating rituals. We are a magazine for new parents. This query is not appropriate for us.
Regards,
Aurora Jackson
Dear Ms. Jackson (okay, I get the idea, you don't want me to call you Aurora ),
But pigs can be parents, too. And how will they ever get to be parents if they don't mate?
Regards,
Teresa (I'm not mad. You can still call me Teresa.)
Dear Teresa,
Pigs do not read our magazine.
Regards,
Aurora Jackson
Dear Aurora,
I'm glad we're on a first-name basis. I think you should specify in your writers' guidelines that you are speciesist against pigs.
Regards,
Teresa
Dear Teresa,
We have nothing against pigs. However, our readership is made up solely of humans.
Sincerely,
Aurora
Dear Aurora,
Well, that's probably because you never run any pig stories. Give it a shot this once and you'll see. Farmers will be clamoring to read Joys of Parenting to their livestock. I can have it completed next week. I will even include a sidebar about which types of music are best to play if you want to help your pigs get in the mood.
Regards,
Teresa
Dear Teresa,
I don't believe many of our readers are farmers. Although we have no hostility toward pigs, we are not interested in any stories relating to pigs.
Sincerely,
Aurora
Dear Aurora,
Oh, sure, next thing you're going to say is "some of my best friends are pigs," and then out of the other side of your mouth, tell your daughters that they'd better never bring any pigs home with them. I see what you're all about now, and frankly, I'm not sure I want to be associated with your magazine.
How would you like it if I said I'm not interested in submitting my stories to old editors? I mean, I'm not even 30 yet, but I didn't discriminate against you because you're a senior editor.
Regards,
Teresa
Dear Teresa,
I'm sorry that this is the way it must end. Good luck. Also, I'm 29.
Sincerely,
Aurora
Dear Aurora,
That's false advertising and impersonation! I bet you try to weasel senior citizen discounts at buffets, too! And park in handicapped spots!
Regards,
Teresa
Dear Teresa,
Thank you for sending the police to my workplace. They determined that, in fact, my parking spot is nowhere near the handicapped section, and that I have not falsified my ID in any way. However, I did get a summons for having an ashtray at my desk, thanks to the new anti-smoking legislation.
Aurora
Dear Aurora,
I was hasty. As a peace offering, I am enclosing my query about the mating habits of wombats.
Regards,
Teresa
Dear Teresa,
Please see our new writers' guidelines, attached. We have now clarified that we are seeking only stories about human parenting, and that we do not accept queries from anyone named Teresa Greenburg. Therefore, this does not suit our needs at this time.
Sincerely,
Aurora
Dear Aurora,
How about tomorrow at noon ?
Regards,
Teresa